Don't Be A Drag, Just Be A Queenie!

I've had lots of blog ideas rattling around my Queenie brain the last couple of weeks, but I've been extra cautious to publish anything.  To be honest, I've been in somewhat of an emotional and personal slump since I walked the LA Marathon a couple of weeks ago.   It's a lot of things, all playing at once, LAM didn't provide the "feel good" factor I had hoped for because of it's horrific weather conditions.  The anniversary of my brother and sister's deaths have been weighing heavy in my heart.  And sometimes, the enormity of all that's been lost the last 2 years hits me randomly and overwhelmingly.  My health,  family, deaths, finances, friendships and social support have all been dramatically altered and while I am working to piece back my life in a healthy, positive way, there are days when I'm just not feelin' it!  I feel like a drag.  I don't feel like a Queenie. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not sulking in a corner having a non-stop pity party, unable to cope.  But I'm also not always my vibrant sunshiney self that is my true inner nature.  I'm a doer.  I'm positive.  I'm goal oriented.  I'm optomistic.  I'm energetic.  I'm happy.  I'm a Queenie. But while those personal attributes are not gone, they're also not at the surface as much as I like.  They are constantly negotiating with my other "newer" self.  I'm stressed. I'm overwhelmed.  I'm sad.  I'm scared.  I'm lonely. I'm tired. I'm confused.  I'm impatient.  I'm mad.  I'm frustrated.  I'm a drag.

I talked to a friend today who was asking about my blog and commenting on how she enjoys it. I mentioned that I have lots of ideas I'd love to jot down, but have been a little blue off and on the last couple of weeks and didn't want the blog to turn into a whine fest (a wine fest, on the other hand, would be totally appropriate and VERY ok!) She told me "but that's what a blog is for...to tell your story."  You see,  I've been concerned about dragging  people down or giving eveyone the wrong impression that I'm not grateful for my many, many blessings and ultimately I see my recent experiences as a life changer for the better.  I always hope for a positive purpose even under the ugliest of circumstances.  As Lady GaGa says, "Don't be a drag, just be a queen!"  But, my friend had a valid point.

I'm going to amend that quote to "Don't be a drag, just be a Queenie!"  I'm still a work in progress. I'm still mourning a mountain of losses.   I feel guilty for the sadness and fear my health and it's consequences has instilled in my family and myself.  I'm vulnerable.  I'm not pitiable.  I'm uncertain.  I'm not weak. I'm a fighter.  I'm still positive.  I'm not a quitter.  It's ok to sometimes be a drag. I am STILL a Queenie!!

I share my story and experiences knowing I can't be the only one feeling this way.  Hoping my honesty will shine the light for someone else who might need it, all the while helping myself on the road to recovery.  Please feel free to share if you know someone who might need the support.