Queenies & Martinis: Visible Hope: How One Celeb Filled Glam Night Out Brought Me Visible Hope

Karina Smirnoff (Dancing with the Stars), Queenie Barb (wife, mom, and chronically ill) , and Quinton Aaron (The Blind Side) just, ya know, hanging out on a Thursday

Last night, Lupus LA held their 4th Annual Get Lucky for Lupus LA Celebrity Poker Tournament Fundraiser. So, what does that have to do with me? Well, I happened to come across a Groupon a couple of days before to attend the celebrity filled event. The first thing that popped in my head was "Cool! Getting dressed up, hob nobbing with celebs, food, drinks, and fantastic people watching for a great cause...I'm in!"

Then the doubts flooded in. It's too far away. It's a school/work night. What if you can't handle the drive? What if you pass out while your there? What if something happens to your son...or the dog? You don't even have lupus. Why would you make such an effort to get out when it's so hard? What would you wear? How are you going to convince the hubby to go? And that's just the top Top 10 list. Two days! I spent two days analyzing, re-analyzing, and questioning myself about grabbing that ticket and just going for it. I couldn't understand why I wouldn't just let it go and give up. I mean, who would know differently, and who really cares anyway? Then, it hit me like a bright ray of light...I would know. And I care.

I have tested myself to push beyond my perceived limits most of my life. When others tell me no, I take it as a personal challenge to prove otherwise. Pushing for an accurate diagnosis and effective treatment is a prime example of this will to overcome what others tell me can't be done. But there's other ways I've pressed beyond the likely and probable to achieve more than is expected and push beyond the limitations that are now firmly planted in my body. I completed the LA Marathon in the down pouring frigid rain last year, alone. I modeled for a girlfriend's jewelry line in Hollywood. I flash mobbed for some very worthy causes. All while ill with dysautonomia and autoimmune disease. I've pushed hard at key moments in my journey with my illnesses. Why? Why do I do it?!? Because it brings me hope.

Every time an idea or opportunity comes up that most would normally blow off, or think is too hard, or impossible, I look deep down inside and think "maybe...just try," and the fever to accomplish and overcome is relit brighter than ever and hope firmly sets place once again deep inside me. It's how I get through the overwhelming challenges that I've stumbled into these last several years without completely losing my mind. Hope challenges me every time to face the often loud obnoxious voice in my head that tells me "no," "impossible," "it's a waste of time," "why?!" and replaces it with a softer, but just as firm reply of "yes," "possible," "you can do it!" Hope. It's what I thought I was losing this summer while I suffered a decline as my son was battling seizures and seeking an accurate epilepsy diagnosis. The inner voice of defeat was so strong this summer, but hope was stronger. Hope means the story is not over, and what seems unlikely or unrealistic or insurmountable can be achieved.

So as the clock ticked down to decision time, I gave into hope instead of doubt and fear and judgement, and bought the tickets for that event. And you know what...my patient and handsome hubby and I got dressed up, drove too far out of our way, stood on my feet way too long, talked to people we didn't know to support a cause that doesn't effect us...and had a fabulous celeb filled date night out! I'm still glowing and am always grateful for every day that I have hope!

So this is what visible hope looks like to me...